augusti 3, 2010
”I deal the cards as a meditation…”
The first time you fall in love you just don’t have a clue what you’re getting into. You don’t respect it, you don’t endorse it, you just simply don’t know anything about the blessing you’ve been given by God. You just stand there, as though you were a marionette in someone else’s play. You seem to feel numb, but you pretend to be strong. Your strength turns into weakness and you cannot seem to understand how, what you determined to be faults almost seem to be the only traits that carry you to some wicked time frame you can’t define as else than confusion.
Sweaty palms, a heart that beat, as though it was being subject to an exorcism, a pounce in the back of your head that just seem to knock your regularities into obsolete functions of someone else’s life. You are for the first time in your life, completely defenseless to what this one thing carries as a curse, or a gift to you the way you are, the way you were supposed to be, but cannot live simple from now on and after.
She was the crazy lady who threw herself in you arms on the beach on your brother’s wedding or she was the high school sweetheart. She was the girl who gave you the first kiss or she was the one who handed you a paper bag with a smile when you were in dire need of carriage help. She was the monster who killed your daring thought to get kids. She was the one who asked you to get some, but you felt like you couldn’t, because you hoped that the feeling would pass.
What is love?
Love is what you know. It is the only thing you know. I know that now.
The only thing that could ever hurt me. I am strong. I am so secure. Yet, still I know that if love hurts me, then I still know that it was worth it. Love is always worth it. The crazy sensation. The sense that all you know as reality turns into unreal, unimportant, non-realeties. That’s love.
When your head’s spinning. When your stomach’s turning. When your nose cannot forget the moments your mind is trying to conceal. When your soul is dissipating. When your mere existence suddenly feels obsolete. When your mind goes crazy cause it cannot come to a conclusion. The diffusion is to great. The unfocused instigations take over. The moments when you just don’t care, cause it just isn’t worth it no longer. Nothing is worth anything unless it is the moments to share with the one person you sense completion with, just by being in close proximity to.
Longing. Desperately hoping. Uncomfortably belonging to. Love.
Intensely. It is killing you.
After a while you learn to recognize it. You learn how to know how to separate the loves from the likes. You learn how to build before you break. You know that if you try to break, you can sometimes, whilst you cannot the other few. You hate it, the defenseless nature, the powerful distortion, the confusingly highly potent endorfin. You just know. One second is all you need once the first candle burned to its heel.
So you care less. But you care more about the less. And you care less about the more. Cause whet is else than what is your now, doesn’t really matter. You might be dead tomorrow. So what you have now is more important than what you can obtain if you’re unwilling to accept what you now seem to care for. Unanswered or not. You’re in love. If lucky, the love is answered and if so, no argument, no logic, no reason in the shall put your focus aside.
”I try to shake you of my mind
But you´re to stubborn to leave
i try to put it all behind
But it just gives me grief
I’ve got butterflies stuck in my stomach
I chase them off but they attack
I’ve got some sanity left but it leaves me
Because you keep coming back
And you’re a heartbreaker, heartbreaker, heartbreaker
And you making me want you
A heartbreaker, heartbreaker, heartbreaker
And you making me want you”